Sunday, May 24, 2009

Confessions of a Money Launderer

Remember how I posted about finding hidden treasure recently? ( Um, recently, as in like... three or four months ago...?) The jars of change that were hidden in our midst? Well, let's just say for the sake of giggles that you do remember. ( Although I haven't really written for so long that I'd be surprised if anyone actually reads this!) One of the jars was all gross and dirty. Not merely dusty but truly grubby and gunky. You see, the change was leftover from Brad's bachelor days. This change had accumulated around his sink, for some odd reason. Toothpaste plus Comet plus years of moldering in a jar = a disgusting crust that seemed to defy all my efforts. I put the change in a basin of water and left it in a bathtub for a long time. Um...months. It evaporated. ( The water, that is.) I put in more. And left it.

The other day, Brad again dangled the possibility of using that money towards a netbook... IF I finished cleaning it. Ah! I sprang - in a languid sort of way- into action.

( You see, far be it from me to complain, but let's just say that I really want a different computer. You'd understand if you could see my set up here. I have a laptop whose screen is very ill, and so we hooked it up to a giant monitor in the family room...which clearly defeats the purpose of having a laptop. I hanker to be set free from this munga monitor. Imagine me with a huge, flickering albatross around my neck and you get the picture. Something ultra-portable would be nice. A hummingbird of a computer. I told myself that this was only a temporary situation so I refused to even bring the desk chair up I've been sitting on one of those papasan foot stool thingies...for months. Not even approaching ergonomically correct. It's amazing how I can get used to uncomfortable situations. The proverbial frog in a boiling pot. This is a strange thing about me. Yes, I am Foolish. So, in short, I am hungry for this netbook.)

I went back to my bathtub and hauled out the cash. ( For some reason, I just laughed aloud at that last sentence. You know it's getting late when I amuse myself to that degree.) I tried soaking the change in vinegar. I even poured in some baking soda to entertain myself with the fizzing and give myself the illusion that I was accomplishing something...and remembered Pastor Neil Sandford using the reaction of baking soda and vinegar as an object lesson one Sunday morning. But I think I can safely say that he was not using it to launder money.

I used dishwasher detergent too. Didn't really help much. But this weekend we had a church cookout. ( No I didn't just completely go off on a tangent. This does relate.) And there was some Diet Coke left over that we ended up taking home. Thanks, Bryan and Sarah!) Well, this evening, we were in need of some Nate and Penny time. Penny's been so busy with work that we haven't had time to see her much lately and I just needed my Penny fix. When they arrived and saw me in a Scrooge McDuck posture, scrubbing and sorting my cache of cash, Nate had a brilliant idea...What better solution to clean the filthy lucre with than Coca-Colaaaa!

If we have robbers tonight, I doubt they will look in the sink, in the pyrex measuring cup full of cola for the mother lode. Further bulletins as events warrant. But given recent habits of writing, or non-writing I should say, don't hold your breath.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

News from Lake Woebegone

I received this in email form yesterday from my father and thought it was too good NOT to share. I have his permish to re-broadcast it. I laughed so hard that I cried at the same time, and as I read it aloud to Brad, I had to stop and re-read certain parts because he couldn't understand what I was saying, due to excessive mirth. Read this; I bet you'll think he should start his own blog.

Maybe you noticed the phrase "senseless random curve balls" in my Friday e-mail that I sent out yesterday. Well sir I'm here to tell you that one came to this house last night. It was seemingly senseless and hopefully random as in seldom.

Mama and I got to bed about 11. I was not tired so I laid there in relative peace and listened to the night sounds inside and out. Gradually I became aware of divers noises that I did not recognize. One noise seemed reminiscent of the patter of small feet. Another was like a purposeful and insistent tapping on wood with your knuckles. Another was a sound of metal clanging in the bathroom. These came on and off until I could feel my body tensing in preparation for some action. Occasionally a cold chill would break out in my body as I fought back wild imaginations of future doom. Then it happened. Some small creature from the pit leaped in the air and landed on by bare shoulder as I lay there partially covered in the hot room. In a mighty spasm of twitching indignation I thrust him from me with a wild alarm that was wholly primeval. I kid you not, I saw a furry form arcing through the air over Mama and landing on the far edge of the room. Well sir, that startled me a bit. I awoke Ma and we set bout to engage in predatory behavior of a most primitive kind. In the dim light of midnight we saw the creature zip out the bed room door into unknown regions. Then I descended to the
bottom floor to rummage through some stuff in an attempt to find a rat trap which I set with bread and peanut butter. Once more I saw the creature now in the lower apartment so I left the trap where any wayfarer would have to travel if he wanted to ascend to our quarters. During this whole process the trap slipped in my hands only to find a finger of mine that shouldn't have been there. Thankfully it didn't light with full force. One half hour later Ma heard a whap! I smiled inwardly to myself realizing the ultimate fate that must have overtaken our friendly
neighbor. But alas when I went down this morng to check my trap, it was sprung but there was no animal in sight. Groansville! Now what?

So we lounge nonchalantly in our quarters this sabbath with no certain knowledge of the means of access or exit that this guy might have. Will we get a re run tonight? I know not, oh, I know not. We did set the trap again and are hoping for permanent results before bed time tonight. Any
ideas? By the way, we don't really know whether it was a squirrel, a chipmunk, or a rat. It looked like a flying squirrel but I haven't seen any around the house. Maybe that's because they are all inside the house.

That's the news form Lake Woebegone.