This morning, as part of my getting ready for the day ritual, I popped my contacts into my eyes - first right eye, then left eye. As soon as I blinked my left eye, I knew something was wrong. Things looked distorted. I could see better out of my right eye than my left and I wondered if I had inadvertently mixed up my contacts. ( One of my eyes is stronger than the other and it has happened before that I have put my right contact in my left eye, and v.v., thereby making things look a little strange. ) SO- I popped out my right contact and put my finger in my left eye to take out my left one, to trade them...only I couldn't find the contact in my eye. ( Insert bewildered Scooby Do noise here.) I looked closely. It was gone. I realized that my contact had probably slid upward and was trapped behind my eyelid.
So I lifted up my lid, and, lo, it was not there either. PANIC welled up within my stomach. I realized with horror that the contact had slid back, back, waaaay baaaack...BEHIND my eyeball! I had heard of this happening but never realized it could happen to me! Brad was already gone to work so I had no one on which to vent my fear. I blinked furiously for moments on end. I rubbed my eye socket. I prayed. I got down on the floor in my closet and put my head down as if I was going to turn a somersalt, in a fruitless attempt to enlist the aid of gravity. I looked on the bathroom counter to see if I might possibly have dropped the stupid thing by mistake. To no avail. Nothing helped. I was getting really panicky now. I couldn't just walk around with a contact trapped behind my eyeball all day! I had things to do! A Christmas tree to buy! A house to decorate! Other important stuff...too...
What would the eye doctor tell me to do that I wasn't already doing? Would I have to have surgery for this? Would the contact rub against nerves...? Nerves connected to my brain????!!! Could I...gasp... GO BLIND? " Did you hear what happened to Claire? Such a sad story..." I popped my right contact back into my eye, the better to see my left eye...and lo, I caught sight of a small blue thing on the floor- my left contact. How had it gotten THERE? I began to cry. Saved from blindness! Great was my gratitude. And my feeling of profound stupidity.
I told this story to Penny who almost couldn't bear to hear it. She, like me, has a deep seated aversion to stories about eyes, especially painful stories...and she says that people are always saying, " Is Claire around?" when they tell these gross stories, and she does not want to burst their bubble, but SHE can't stand them as well! So be thoughtful. Include Penny in your disclaimers about gross eye stories. And Pen, be forewarned- the next time you see Jeff Demme, he is going to approach you with an evil gleaming smile, knowing your weakness in this area, and pretend to jab a fork in his eyeball.