Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Bald Truth

When Brad tells me I have to post, I know it's been too long. Okay- he didn't TELL me to post; he ENCOURAGED me because he knows that you're all curious to know how my new job is going.

Um. I don't really know what to say or how to say it. I guess I'll go with the general, broad-stroked description: I'm confused, discouraged, overwhelmed and fresh out of ideas. And it hasn't even been two weeks yet. Oh- and I have a sore throat. Sounds about normal for me with anything new. Except for the sore throat thing- that doesn't always happen when I get a new job. So, I'm fairly majorly stressed out; it's pretty much all I think about from the moment I wake up til I go to bed. And I've been eating too much Easter candy. And I've reduced myself to SUPER SIMPLE meals all this week...like tonight we're having tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches. I just can't cook when I'm stressed out. I'm just waiting for something else to go wrong and I'll scream and bring home fast food every night.

The good news is: my pupil laughs at my silly voices ( most notably my Lambchops voice and my English accent.) And he laughed when I brought in my guitar one day and made up a silly song about one of his therapists. ( May she never hear it. Actually- it's pretty harmless so it wouldn't be terrible if she DID hear it...) So those are two things I have going for me. He's a really good kid; we're still getting used to each other, and I know I have a lot to learn about how to motivate him better. I have a lot to learn PERIOD. About All Kinds of Things. I think the word is daunting.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy. But it's one thing to say that to yourself at the interview, and another thing entirely to live the uneasiness for the first few months. Not knowing when the uneasiness wears off to routineness. (Too much nesses, I know.) But I want this to work. I want to help. I'm not giving up. It's too soon to give up. Give me six more months to drive myself into the ground as a total failure and THEN I'll give up. ( I have confidence in sunshiiiiiine, I have confidence in raaaaaaaain, I have confidence that spring will come again - oh yes, it's here- besides which, you see, I HAVE CONFIDENCE IN.... me?) Right now, it's just one infinitesimal, creeping step at a time.

And okay- do we have any doctors in the house? Is it normal that I can HEAR my pulse? I mean- it's like these little quiet whooshes of air in my ears when I'm sitting still and being quiet.... like right now when I'm typing...Does this mean I have a problem? Fritha? Someone who wants to do research?

7 comments:

KJ said...

Blessings on you dear Claire! I trust that it'll settle down into a normal routine soon. My sympathy and prayers are with you.
And sometimes I can hear my heartbeat too. But I don't know what it means :)

P.S The word verification is "ledus" which, drawing a spiritual lesson from, I get this: God has "led us" (you) this far, and no doubt He'll take you all the way through! :)

Claire said...

I feel this overwhelming need to apologize to you all for my great resemblance to the children of Israel, grizzling and moaning about the fleshpots of Egypt. I was just thinking about how for months upon months, I was ranting and raving about how stressed out the job hunt was making me...and now I have a job, and I'm ranting and raving about how stressed I am trying to figure out what I'm doing within that job...I guess I'm doomed to perpetual misery.

But you'll notice that not once in this post did I say I wished I was back on the job hunt! So at least I'm not IDENTICAL to those whiny ol' children of Israel.

LindaMay said...

You might want to have yourblood presure checked. Of course since you're feeling stressed, that will probably do it. Hang in there. new situation and all kinds of changes and I don't knows. I'll be praying for you.

Amy said...

Um, I'm not a doctor or anything, and I'm not really interested in research at this point in the semester, but I do know that my mom can hear her pulse if it's really quiet because she has something pronounced broo-eee. (Broo like broom, eee like eeek.) It's a little clog in an artery in her neck. She takes a blood thinner to keep it from causing problems, because it's not something to worry about by itself.

There are times when I can feel my heartbeat in my teeth, but I think that's due to my (no big deal, not life threatening) heart condition.

KW said...

May you and your zany outlook on life never change as long as you live....A toast to your life.

lis said...

Claire, who would NOT be stressed out by a new job? You are Allowed to be stressed out! :O)

And can I come cook you dinner? <3

kate said...

:-() (That is me laughing at this post!)

I am so sorry! But it sure does sound funny.

This is the difference between Lisa and I- Lisa offers to make you dinner, I just laugh at your problems. But I would like to go out to the coffee shop with you this morning- want to come? See you!