Monday, May 19, 2008

Vultures, tipping, and The Obsessive Germ Radar

Today I interrupted a vulture feast. The nasty creatures were feeding on some roadkill in the middle of the country lane I was driving on... and I shouted, "VULTURES!" feeling distinctly Captain Haddock-esque. Actually, I can't remember if I shouted aloud or just thought it - as Lindsay would say, using my inside voice or outside voice. Anyway- vultures. Ew. I don't think I had ever seen real live vultures before.

In other news, last night I was feeling rather like a soggy dishrag and the thought of making dinner was not to be borne: I picked up the phone and ordered pizza. When the guy came to deliver, my mind was a bit pre-occupied and after he left, I realized I had not tipped him. Guilt smote me big time. I wondered what dark imprecations he was calling down on me as he drove away. I pictured him coming back under cover of darkness and toilet papering my house. So to ward off any curses or acts of revenge, and to assuage my injured conscience, I called the establishment, ( which rhymes with Fominoes, to use a Brandon trick) after dinner, and asked who my delivery guy was. They told me his name and I explained the situation and asked them to tell him how sorry I was and that I would bring his tip in tomorrow. So this morning, along with my other errands, I zoomed into the pizza place and lo, there was the gentleman - or scrub, depending on how charitable you feel- himself, and I was able to deliver my belated tip into his paws with much groveling. He seemed a little stunned to see me. I bet that was probably the first ( and probably last time) anyone ever chased him down the DAY AFTER A DELIVERY to give him a tip.

And in still other news: I think I should wrap Aiden in plastic wrap ( with holes for breathing of course) or encase him in a giant hamster ball ( again, with holes) when I take him to the grocery store. It's funny how people seem to think that babies are public domain. It's almost like I can see a bubble over their heads that reads, "Oh! I see a baby! I must touch the baby!" This is a logical fallacy, ( is that the term I want? All I can remember from my ethics class is the phrase "there is no ought from is". Thankyou, Professor Monty Brown) but logical or illogical, people think it and act upon it all the time. They grasp his hand or pinch his toes... all of which are things that go straight into his mouth. ( Yes, he's gnawing his toes these days - it's hilarious. ) My obsessive germ radar goes wild. I know they can't really help touching him - I am drawn like a magnet to him too... I KNOW from firsthand experience that he's irresistible. So now, instead of just me using the hand sanitizer, I want to slather it upon anyone within a six foot radius of Aiden. Maybe I should hang a little sign from the handle of his carseat - "Please do not touch the baby. He is for display purposes only." I know this is probably all due to being a first-time mother. With my next child, I'll probably be so laid back that I'll drag him/her along in the gutter and think nothing of it. (Mmmm - probably not.)( And no, I'm not pregnant.)( Yes- back to that little disclaimer again!)


Amy said...

I am one of those people who regard children and dogs in a similar light, and it always just kills me when I see working dogs in their little vests because it says right there in bold letters that I can't pet them.

So my suggestion is to get Aiden a little vest, maybe even with a handle on it when he gets older and that sort of thing could be useful, that says, "Please don't touch me, I'm working." Because he is working, he's growing and learning and doing the important baby job of being adorable.

Or you could just put a face mask on him. That would keep him safe from some airborne viruses and frighten away most baby touchers. Of course, you'd have to take it off before he reaches the point of forming long term memories (around 2, I think).

La La Palooza said...

When I see Aiden I'll remember to touch only his cheek. No, wait, maybe his tongue could reach. OK, belly. That should be safe :)

Shari said...

Lol! My younger brother was just asking me if people touch Maisy, because he was saying it will drive him crazy if people do that to his future children. Yes, people touch her all the time. And I too, think about the germs. I saw a sign that said "don't touch" above a baby once (attached to the stroller) so other people think the same way we do. :-)

ljmax said...

Aiden, the boy in the bubble and his gutter sibling. The stuff of legends.