Tuesday, December 25, 2007
And here we are...
Well, folks, we made it. To Day One. I thought it would never happen, although many assured me it would. People always talk about "the miracle of birth" - I'm here to tell you, miraculous seems like a weak word when used in this context.
Giving birth has always been a big thing to me, probably since I was old enough to know what was involved. Frankly, it freaked me out. It just DIDN'T seem natural. It seemed impossibly supernatural and frighteningly grotesque. And being one of the wimpiest people on the planet, the thought of that much pain just boggled me. I just didn't want to think of what it must feel like to be in so much pain that you groaned and screamed like you were dying. I looked upon the day I gave birth as equivalent to the day of my death, in spite of the fact that I knew if I ever did give birth, I'd be drugged to the nth degree.
Thankfully, in recent days, God gave me the grace to deal with my fears so that I wasn't totally incapacitated with dread, but old doubts hung in the back of my mind, waiting for me to pay attention to them...and sometimes I couldn't ignore them. Like yesterday, as we waited through tedious hours as the drug to induce me began to take effect...and I could hear a woman in a room nearby making noises that would frighten the bravest of us. I didn't know whether to turn up the TV and ignore her, or turn the TV down to listen to her and embrace my panic.
Yes, I had drugs - a number of them, to be precise. But guess what- it still hurt, and in the end, I made those same animal noises that frightened me when I heard them in movies or real life or whatever. And you know what - I was given a power beyond myself to push this baby into the world. I know it was beyond me because I know myself. I know my limits. I know my capacity for panic and my capacity for strength... and this was just something else entirely, something that did not fit into my own character. There came a point when things were a bit dicey, ( gory details, as Brad would say, to follow in some later chapter) and God caused me to behave in a way that was just not ME. And wonder of wonders, a human being came out of me. And we are both alive. And well! And it's over! It's like I've died and gone to heaven; I've faced one of my biggest fears in life and I'm on the other side. And the reward is so indescribably precious...I can't even hardly begin to express the astonishing depth of love for this person who I had never seen twenty four hours ago.
Many thanks to all those who prayed for us as we went through our little drama. I think those prayers played a big part in what got me through when the going got really tough... and I am grateful - to you and to God.