Sunday, June 05, 2005

More Foody Issues

To clarify a bit from the last post, I want to state for the record that I am not a food snob. I will gladly eat most generic foodstuffs. I don't have to have the name-brand chips, salsa, bread, orange juice, what-have-you...In fact, my stingy, Yankee self often forbids name brand purchases.

But some things do give me cause for pause in the food department. For instance, the other day at the Shelter, I sat at the lunch table and looked at this jug of unnaturally colored fluid. The label read something like Pink Lemonade Drink. Doesn't that sort of sound redundant to you? If it's lemonade, of course it's a drink. I mean- come on! I can SEE it's a drink! If the label has to tell me it's a drink, there is something nefarious going on somewhere. Like it's really NOT lemonade. It's just a pink drink that is reminiscent of lemonade. It's sort of like when you see the label on certain sliced cheeses that says, " Cheese Food." Or " Cheese Product." Those added words, food and product, bring on a distinct feeling of uneasiness. Things are not what they seem...It's not really cheese; it's a food product. In other words, FAKE FOOD! I remember my mother pointing this out to me years ago...one of many jewels of consumer wisdom she has passed on to me over the years. It probably seemed as if I wasn't listening at the time, Mama, and no doubt I scoffed at your concern over the defrauding of America's tastebuds, but this, along with other helpful hints, has come back to haunt me as an adult.

Another label that has caused me great amusement recently is the one on the packaging of the tomato plant I bought. Yes, I have become a gardener. I have a single tomato plant. Long may it live. It sits in a big tub on the sun porch, as I thought putting it outside would expose it to many dangers, toils and snares- including the geese and chickens. I hope it has a happier fate than the last plants that lived there. ( All my plants died over the winter.) Anyway- the cardboard backing boasts great things for this tomato plant. Here is the first of its many claims: " Yields Bushels of Fun!" WOW! A magic tomato plant! It not only produces tomatoes- it produces FUN! I can't wait! It also says, " Extremely Edible!" Well, I should HOPE its' fruit is edible. ( After all, I had kind of assumed that would be the case.) But I don't see how adding the word 'extremely' to the word 'edible' should make me any more likely to purchase this plant. I guess simply having the word ' edible' standing all by itself would sound kind of lame. Hmm. The packaging also claims that this plant is "Disease and Crack Resistant." I could say a lot about this special feature but I guess I'll just say that I'm relieved that this plant has a seemingly superior immune system.

Right now, I bet you're all trembling with envy that I have found this Uber-Tomato Plant. For a small fee, I'll reveal to you where I bought it.

5 comments:

Brad said...

I can vouch for her. She is not a food snob. We have a kitchen full of store brand foodstuffs. She also comes in well under the grocery budget every week.

Recently I begged her to pick up some honey-nut cheerios as a special treat for breakfast, and she came back with the store brand. They tasted like cardboard with a slight hint of honey. It took further pleas to get her to agree to buy the real deal, but she did. (I ate all the gross kind first, though.)

All husbands should be fortunate enough to have such a thrifty wife.

Karena said...

Speaking of which...
if you ever want to send me a very affordable
treat...you could mail me an envelope of Cool-Aid
pink or lemonaid (DRINK) as we can't get such a thing
in this lovely land....

DJ said...

Crack Resistant, eh? Well, at least you won't have to worry about it getting high and coming home at all hrs of the night...

Isaac Demme said...

it depends on how much crack you fertilize the tomato with (notice that it doesn't say crack-proof ... "resistant" is just another one of those sneaky advertising words).
Me, I avoid anything that says "drink" or "product" in the description .... unless starving in the desert or unless the broken english of the rest of the label leads me to suspect a shoddy offshore translation.

the Joneses said...

Since it's a tomato plant, I disagree that the product is "edible." At least, until it's properly processed into ketchup or some other similar acceptable tomato product.

--DJ